A Villainous Campfire
by Ravenclaw-Earl of Storybrooke
Summary: Mr. Gold, Regina and the Queens of Darkness celebrate their capture of August by enjoying a campfire at Gold's cabin. Inspired by my previous comedy oneshot, "A Villainous Roadtrip." Please laugh, enjoy, and review!


A Villainous Campfire

The Queens of Darkness celebrate their capture of Pinocchio with a campfire.

Author's Note: I had so much fun with "A Villainous Roadtrip" that I wanted to have a bit more fun with the Queens of Darkness. Please enjoy and review!

Characters:

Mr. Gold

Regina Mills

Maleficent

Cruella de Vil

Ursula

* * *

The Dark One had decided not to pursue the newly re-aged August until morning, so the villains gathered around the fire pit his cabin boasted.

"You couldn't afford a bigger fire pit, darling?" Cruella asked.

"I didn't really buy it, Cruella," Gold fumed, clearing the wet leaves out of the pit. "Regina was the one who put it here when she laid the Dark Curse."

"It's not like he used this cabin for much anyway," Regina reasoned.

"I'd say that Maleficent had a better fire pit than me," Rumple grinned.

Maleficent, Cruella and Ursula all glared at him while Regina looked at her feet.

"That's very rude, darling," Cruella said, very seriously. "Besides, my husband had a fire pit to put all others to shame."

"I guess it was so wonderful that he married you to balance things out," Ursula laughed.

Maleficent and Regina roared with laughter while Cruella began pummeling Ursula.

"Ladies, please!" Rumple shushed. "Keep it down! Our guest is trying to sleep, and he has a big day ahead of him."

All five laughed maniacally.

Rumple finished clearing the debris from his fire pit while Ursula used her tentacles to retrieve a few nearby logs, arranging them ideally.

Regina conjured a fireball to light the logs, but Maleficent pushed her away.

"I believe this is my field of expertise," Maleficent declared, drawing herself up to full height and preparing to transform.

"No!" Rumple shouted, waving his hand to disrupt her transformation. "If you start a forest fire with all of your huffing and puffing, you'll burn my cabin down and let the heroes know where we're hiding. Let Regina do it!"

Maleficent crossed her arms and pursed her red lips. "I never get to have any fun in this town."

Regina scoffed. "You had 28 years to breathe fire as often as you wanted." She released a fireball, instantly creating a warm blaze.

Ursula's tentacles pulled a few lawn chairs from the porch and arranged them around the campfire.

Rumple, Regina, Maleficent and Ursula all sat, but Cruella was reluctant.

"Must we?" she asked.

"Sit down, Cruella!" Ursula commanded, picking Cruella up with her tentacles and placing her in a chair.

Cruella bared her teeth at the Sea Witch.

"Ursula, can you please stop using those for everything?" Maleficent complained. "I mean, I know that tentacles are your specialty, but they're really kind of creepy."

"It never bothered you in the Enchanted Forest," Ursula reasoned.

"True," Maleficent said. "But that was when you had your full "I'm an evil, human octopus," thing going on. Here, it's just unnerving."

"Says you, Nathan Detroit," Ursula shot back.

Regina, Cruella and Rumple cackled at this.

"Really, darling," Cruella continued to chortle, "what inspired you to choose those clothes? I wasn't aware that the crap shooting look was in."

Regina laughed. "Cruella, if Maleficent is Nathan Detroit, then you're Miss Adelaide!"

"Too bad the FBI took back your mink!" Rumple chuckled.

"Make all the _Guys and Dolls_ jokes you want," Cruella seethed. "But if you continue, you'll be lucky if I act like a lady tonight!"

"We're lucky if you act like a lady any night!" Ursula roared.

"Rumple, do you remember that guy?" Maleficent suddenly asked.

"What guy, specifically?" Rumple asked,

"I can't remember his name," Maleficent bit her lip, thinking hard. "He had a bad perm, gaudy robes and that glowing snake stick. I can't think of his name! Jamal? Germaine? Javier?"

"Jafar," Rumple said.

"Jafar! That was it!" Maleficent said, enlightened. "What ever happened to him? You'd think he'd be here with all of us!"

"He ran into some trouble in Wonderland," Rumple explained. "That girl that Cora tried to behead trapped him in a bottle or something."

"Oh, thank heavens," Cruella interjected, taking a swig of gin from the flash in her fur coat. "I never could stand him. Always whining about his daddy issues."

"Yeah," Ursula agreed. "I mean, a lot of us had daddy issues. Look at me!"

"And me!" Rumple agreed.

"Not me," Regina said proudly. "My father was wonderful. I named my son after him."

"Very touching," Maleficent drawled. "Be that as it may, I doubt you would have named a daughter after Cora."

Regina narrowed her eyes at the dragon lady.

"True," Rumple added. "Cora knew not to do that. Both times."

"Do we really have to bring Zelena into this?" Regina rolled her eyes at her former mentor.

"Your mother brought her into this world, so yes, I think we do." Rumple tittered.

"I'm hungry," Ursula whined.

"We are around a campfire," Regina said. "We should make s'mores!" Cruella and Ursula cheered their approval.

"S'mores?" Maleficent asked, confused.

"A popular treat in this land," Rumple explained. "Fire-roasted marshmallows and chocolate on graham crackers. They're quite enjoyable."

"Alright, I'll try one," Maleficent agreed.

"Excellent!" Regina grinned. "We'll need good sticks to roast marshmallows on."

"I've got them!" Ursula declared, using her tentacles to grab several suitable roasting sticks.

"Just don't use your tentacles to roast, darling," Cruella said. "We don't need to add calamari to the menu."

Rumple waved his hand, conjuring a table holding graham crackers, chocolate and marshmallows with a wisp of reddish smoke.

Regina, who had made s'mores many times with Henry, was the first to take a stick from Ursula, impaling a marshmallow and suspending it over the hungry inferno.

"I like to get mine nice and black," Regina began, "but you can cook them as little or as much as you'd like."

"You're such a mom, Regina," Ursula laughed.

"It's a bit sickening, darling," Cruella sneered.

"Why, Cruella?" Regina asked defensively. "Did someone convey sterility onto your womb?"

Cruella puffed up her cheeks at the Evil Queen.

"Regina," Rumple said seriously, "If you're going to paraphrase _King Lear_, don't weaponize it."

The petty dispute was interrupted when Maleficent shot a huge tongue of flame through the air, forcing her compatriots to jump out of the way.

"Must you do that?!" Cruella cried. She swore as she brushed dead leaves from her furs.

"Maleficent, I thought I told you not to do that," Rumple warned.

"Regina said that we could cook them as much as we liked," Maleficent countered. "I wanted mine scorched."

The group observed her marshmallow, which had surprisingly kept its shape and turned a nice, even shade of black.

Regina helped Maleficent to place the marshmallow on a graham cracker with chocolate. Maleficent took a bite.

"This is the best thing I've ever tasted," she declared after masticating. "The children I ate in dragon form weren't as delicious as this!"

Cruella and Ursula cackled. "I love it!" Ursula cried.

The villainous group continued to make their s'mores.

Cruella skillfully produced several black spots on her marshmallow while Ursula opted for an evenly browned creation. Regina's marshmallow resembled Maleficent's, and Rumple ate his raw.

"We should sing some campfire songs, darlings!" Cruella suggested.

Ursula looked at her comrade in profound irritation.

"That's right! Hook preventing her from performing those awful covers of "My Heart Will Go On", didn't he? I guess the rest of us can sing campfire songs."

One of Ursula's tentacles threw Cruella several feet backwards. "You can insult me all you like," Ursula shouted as Cruella flew through the air, "but leave my voice!"

"I have to agree with that," Regina nodded.

"So devastating," Rumple agreed.

Cruella returned to the circle, slightly cowed, but no less belligerent.

"You know what else people usually do at campfires?" Regina asked.

"What?" Maleficent asked, chewing another s'more.

"They tell scary stories."

"Hahaha! Like what?" Maleficent asked, intrigued.

"Stories about monsters and disappearing in the woods, mainly," Regina added.

"That actually scares people?" Ursula asked incredulously.

"Apparently it does," Regina chuckled. "Of course, when you consider what all of us have been through, their scary stories would seem more comedic to us."

"Hear, hear, darling," Cruella nodded.

Rumple spoke from behind his folded hands. "The only scary story we need to be worried about right now is the Author's book. If we can solve that problem, we won't have any more scary stories."

The Queens of Darkness murmured their assent.

Rumple conjured five glasses of champagne, handing one to each of the women.

"Here's to our victory with the puppet and our happy endings!" The Dark One raised his glass.

"To victory!" Maleficent declared.

"To happy endings!" Ursula shouted.

"To the puppet!" Regina said.

"Cheers, darlings," Cruella drawled, just wanting an excuse to drink.

The villains drained their glasses and sat down to make more s'mores.

* * *

Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed my bit of fun! I enjoyed "A Villainous Roadtrip," and I've enjoyed "A Villainous Campfire" as well. Who knows what other villainous things I'll write? Please review!


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